Boundaries in Collaboration – DBT’s DEAR MAN for Creatives
Hey Bestie,
If you’ve ever agreed to a “quick” project that ballooned into weeks of unpaid revisions, or said yes to a deadline you knew would wreck your health, you already know: collaboration without boundaries will eat you alive.
The DBT skill DEAR MAN is a step-by-step way to communicate what you need without turning it into a fight, a guilt trip, or a burned bridge. It works for asking, saying no, or renegotiating terms — all things artists have to do constantly.
What DEAR MAN Stands For
Describe – State the facts without emotion or judgment.
Express – Share how it affects you.
Assert – Clearly say what you want or don’t want.
Reinforce – Explain why it benefits them too.
Mindful – Stay on topic, don’t get pulled into side arguments.
Appear confident – Even if you’re shaking.
Negotiate – Be open to compromise that still respects your limits.
Here are some real world examples:
1. Saying No to Unpaid “Exposure” Work
Describe: “You’re asking for a custom piece with no payment.”
Express: “My creative work is how I pay my bills.”
Assert: “I’m not able to take unpaid projects right now.”
Reinforce: “If you’d like, I can send you my rates so we can work together in the future.”
Mindful: Ignore guilt trips like “We thought you’d want the visibility.”
Appear confident: Keep your language short and direct.
Negotiate: If you want to keep the door open, offer something small that fits your budget and time.
2. A Client Keeps Asking for “One More Little Change” After Delivery
Describe: “The original contract included two rounds of revisions. We’ve now done four.”
Express: “Each extra round takes time away from my other clients and personal projects.”
Assert: “I can make more changes at my hourly rate of $X.”
Reinforce: “This way, we can get the tweaks you want while keeping the project on schedule.”
Mindful: Don’t get pulled into “But it’s just a quick thing.” Keep repeating: “I’m happy to make more changes at the hourly rate.”
Appear confident: Keep your tone steady, even over email.
Negotiate: Offer a package rate for all additional changes if they balk at hourly.
The more you practice DEAR MAN, the less you’ll dread hard conversations. You’ll stop losing money, time, and energy to projects that don’t respect your limits — and you’ll start building collaborations that actually feel good to be in.
If you need help sounding professional without losing your personality, fill out the form below to work with an experienced assistant who can make sure your communication lands the way you need it to.
Stay Focused Besties,
LuLu 🩷
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